Am I being punished for becoming a high-achieving, successful Black woman?

Study after freakin' study—from CNN, to MSNBC, to ESSENCE—has told us, warned us, that as educated, accomplished Black women, we run the risk of being "punished." That we won't be able to find a suitable mate, nor get married, nor have children. Ever! I think I speak for us all when I say: WTF?

As a 35- (okay, 36-; okay, 36 ½-) year-old successful single Black female (SSBF), I have to tell you: I. Am. Terrified.

In my twenties, it didn't much matter. I focused on self, career, and having a damn good time, figuring marriage and children would come, "later." With a high-flying job, a gaggle of friends and plenty of posh events to attend around the world, there were only rare moments when I felt I may have been missing out.

But, in my mid-thirties, things, and I, are slowing down. The parties are played, the friends have narrowed to a special few, and I'm at the peak of my career. So...

Where is he?

Now that I'm "ready," I pay more attention to what "they" say about my options, and I'm reeling from the cruel statistics. "45% of Black women in America have never married; compared with 23% of White women," they say. The rate of childlessness among highly educated Black women born between 1961 and 1970 is 38% they say. "African-American females, even with lots of education, do not fetch as much ‘value' in the marriage market," they say. "Black women outnumber Black men almost 2 to 1 in higher education," they say. "The disparity is important because Americans have a strong tendency to marry those with equal levels of education."

Well, damn. How does an SSBF debunk the stats and find a man during this recession of romance?

"Get online, now!" instructs a dating coach I met with last spring (a woman who also suggested I get a weave to help me get a man). But online dating, though it works for many, doesn't feel right for me. I'm still stuck, naively perhaps, on meeting someone organically. And getting a weave to net a man...Really?

"Go lesbian," one friend half joked, "maybe the laws will change and gays everywhere will be able to marry soon." Hmmm...

"You need to give other men a chance," says another friend. "Date White, Latino, Asian—see what else is out there." Sure, sound advice. But while there's nothing wrong with dating other races, I want a Black man. Although I am clear that with the advent of non-Black women who look like Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez—with bigger booties than most Black chicks on the block—the competition is steep, and a lot of the best brothers out there are distracted.

"We need to pursue a relationship with the same urgency that we pursued our careers," suggests another SSBF. "Get out there and make it happen." I am out there. Honestly. Urgently!? Unless you're going to roll up on dude and make him talk to you, there's no way to "make it happen," without seeming like a stalker. (And ain't nobody trying to catch a case.)

In the meantime, I, as an SSBF, am thumbing my nose at the statistics and giving myself a chance. Whether the studies are right or wrong, we can't argue with the fact that it's difficult to find someone with whom you think you may want to spend the rest of your life.

Because although it irks us, finding the one should be difficult. The right one, we hope, will be worth the search, the longing, the wait.

Elayne Fluker, a professional writer and editor, publishes the weekly relationships blog sixfiguresisters.blogspot.com.

Image used for illustrative purposes only.

The opinions and views expressed here are those of Fluker and not ESSENCE magazine or ESSENCE.com.