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The State of Our Unions: How Black Married Couples Can Keep the Love Alive

Posted: AUGUST 10, 2009 by Bridgette Bartlett

You thought getting him to put a ring on it was a challenge? Try staying together til death do you part. After the cake has been cut, the garter tossed and the honeymoon is (literally) over, the real work of keeping a marriage strong begins.

Enter Nisa Islam Muhammad. She's the executive director of the Wedded Bliss Foundation and was recently featured on CNN's "Black in America 2" helping real folks keep their marriages intact. The Wedded Bliss Foundation is her vision to bring resources, support and direction to the Black community so happy marriages become the norm rather than the exception. ESSENCE.com gathered questions from real couples on sex, blended families, money and more, and asked Muhammad to weigh in with her expert opinion. Here are the results:

How do you come back from a separation and become stronger?
—GINA, 33, Houston*

NISA ISLAM MUHAMMAD: You can come back stronger by making your marriage a priority and doing something every day to strengthen it. Don't just focus on yourself; focus on what's best for the marriage. People gravitate towards the applause in life. Be your spouse's biggest fan, cheerleader and supporter. Commit to the vows you recited. There will be good days and bad days but keep working.

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My wife complains about my mom wanting everything that she has. For instance, my mom recently purchased a luxury vehicle—the same make and model as my wife. During a trip to my mom's house, my wife wore hospital scrubs and my mom mentioned that they looked very comfortable. My wife told my mom that she wears them because they're quick to throw on. A week later, my mom calls my wife and asked if she could get her a pair. Is my mom competing with my wife?
—GREG, 42, Brooklyn

MUHAMMAD: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Help your wife to understand the compliments she is getting whenever her mother in law wants to copy what she has or does. There is no competition between mother and wife. Neither can do the other's job nor take the other's place in your life. Celebrate them both.

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Amanda makes a lot of sense.
Posted at 8/22/2009 1:58 AM by S
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So true about the white girls staying home. Then they wonder why their husbands are suddenly attracted to non-white women. It's because the non-white women are the ones that work with their husbands. They see these women looking polished and professional, then they go home to their wives, who haven't bathed yet because they've been home all day running after little Johnny. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home parent, but in order to keep yourself and your spouse interested, they need a life outside of the home.
Posted at 8/20/2009 2:25 PM by Carol
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These black men who strictly go after white women because they seem less demanding and will do anything for them is in for a rude awakening. Have you noticed that white women btwn the ages of 25 and 35 will quit their jobs once they have children and expect their men to shoulder the financial burden on their own. Not only that, my white male colleagues say the only two words you need to remember and say is "Yes Dear". Those white women have their men in "deep" check. So Black men, don't be stupid thinking the grass is greener.
Posted at 8/20/2009 2:20 PM by Marsha
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I think this topic is timely and very important. Nowaday, being international is what it is all about, in that it seems to be politically incorrect, or unacceptable to want to further your own race. When I tell people that I would never consider marrying someone non-black, because I want brown babies, they seem shocked and like I've said something very wrong. I'm just not looking forward to the day when everyone is beige and there is no color. I guess the self-haters will be happy then. I will do and read anything that will keep Black Love alive and well!!!
Posted at 8/20/2009 2:12 PM by Davina
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Marriage has no color, we put color on marriage... What does 'black', have to do with being married to someone you love.. Our culture is the only culture that has some deep-rooted issues.. Were is the 'hope', for the younger generation... Most white people divorces and separated and re-marry all the time.. Which you don't seem them making a big-deal... All, I can say is 'black culture', needs to honor their roots with more respect, and honor... Marriage is not easy for any races, and no matter who you are you are going to faces trials and tribulations in a marriage.. Black married couples are out there 'strong and united', put society is not going to show you that side, because they don't want to give you hope and self-respect
Posted at 8/19/2009 5:42 PM by Amanda
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